Journey to now

 Journey to now                       16/11/24

We’ve been asked to create a journal, thinking about, evaluating and documenting our practices. For my first entry I'm going to briefly reflect on my previous years and progression to now. 

Over the past few years my work has changed dramatically, I personally believe for the better. The cause of this change in my work isn't down to one singular thing but various, both educational and personal. To understand how things have changed we must look backwards, Art has always been a constant in my life from as far back as I can remember. My family are sporty, I most definitely am not, But drawing and making and creating, that I was good at and enjoyed. I had a childminder and she really nurtured my creative side and helped it grow. From a very young age she took me to gallery's and studios that my family wouldn't have. So moving forward to schooling it was always something I chose enthusiastically, but here I was only ever exposed to art within the realms of painting, drawing and maybe collage if the school was feeling adventurous. Within GCSE I did watercolour painting, I enjoyed it of course but did feel very pushed to and restricted by the medium. A - Level felt much of the same. Everyone in the class was painting, it felt like the only option. At this point I knew art was something I wanted to pursue into a career, I took sociology and psychology also but art was what brought me joy, However I do believe these other subjects have fed into my work now. I was able to branch out to Acrylic painting at this point, at the time I was very happy with my work but looking back I have serious critiques. I was doing semi- abstract paintings of women, the ideas behind it where about how women where portrayed in the advertising media. These were feminist ideas but looking back at the work I think it holds no substance, the painting has skill and looks good but I was just painting pretty women in releveling clothing. I was basically doing the same thing as the ads, I might be a women but does it make it any better?

 

- A- level final piece, 2021

During the end of my first year at college, the lockdown happened, this fed over to the second year. I think Towards the last half of the second year we went back in, I'm not 100% sure, everything from that time period merges a bit. But I got too comfortable in being alone during lockdown and found it incredibly hard to go back to normal life. I developed anxiety and panic disorder, before Covid I was a usual college student, a bit too much black eyeshadow and a tendency to go out drinking instead of going to lessons but that was normal. I managed to finish the year as there wasn’t long left, but didn’t manage to experience it like I should off. 

After this I took a year off, I tried to enrol on a foundation year but dropped out after the first day. During this time I lost myself, merely surviving. I didn’t leave the house, I lost friendships, I lost my self identity due to fear of being perceived, I spiralled. I put myself under so much self hatred that I developed stress induced alopecia and had to shave my head. Depression is something I’ve dealt with since a young age but here it shrouded me. I had no money, I started making these strange little terrariums out of teacups and succulents, and slowly started selling them at craft fairs. At this point I was still in no way myself, barely a person, but these craft fairs helped me rebuild my social skills enough and go out. I mean I was socialising with sweet old ladies who were selling their crochet and jams but they helped me a lot. This gave me the confidence to try re enter education.

-teacup gardens, 2021 

Joining the FDA course was a real turning point for me, both for personal and creative growth.  I wasn't sure id be able to handle the first week but slowly my confidence grew. I think I joined the course at the perfect time, the small group of 8 students and the fact that we all came from different stages made me feel much more at ease. Within the first year I took the time to experiment with all the different workshops, tried ways of creating that id never thought of before. My inspirations and way of thinking began to develop here in the first year. I found my inspirations don't usually come from a point I'm trying to make but instead a topic I'm questioning and pondering. The second year is where I really found my practice, I was introduced to performance and video work, this was transformative in the way I create, this change in ways of creating did mean I had to challenge my way of thinking, learn to accept that my making can sometimes take a less physical sense and still be completely valid and allow myself to feel ownership over it. Here this is were I believe my previous studies in sociology and psychology come to the surface, I think it has influenced my way of thinking. My work is often a direct response to my own lived experiences and questions the human condition for myself and others. I have done much work on myself and I'm sure that's probably had an effect on this change, a lot of therapy and introspective work. I'm by no means means cured of anxiety and still struggle with certain aspects but over the course of the past two years I've been able to take the shell of the person I was and slowly grow into someone new. I do miss my past self but have been rediscovering who and how I want to be and this course helped me do so. I'm no longer just surviving and I think this is why my work holds so much importance to me. So my sense of self and my artwork has been on an ever changing journey and I think it will continue to do so, but in the most positive of directions and I'm excited for where I could possibly take me next because I just don't know.